So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
