Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
