Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
