I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
