I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
