theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
