Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
