Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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