Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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