my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
