I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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