mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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