Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
