3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
