I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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