i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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