apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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