I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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