i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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