I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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