Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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