so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
