I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
