I accidentally had phone sex last night
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize