Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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