I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
