i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How does it feel to date your dad?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
