Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
