the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
