she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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