I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
