Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
