dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
