Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Couch. On fire.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
