I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize