idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
