Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
