I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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