a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
