I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize