I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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