I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I am one with the molecules
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
