is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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