i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
