So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
it was like having sex with a tree stump
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
