WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
