Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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