i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
