My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
