Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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