You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
