i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize