dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
