She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
