she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
