i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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