if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
