dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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