This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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