Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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