Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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