And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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