you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
