Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
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